1. Keyboard clicks
Turn them off. Only your mum hasn't learnt how to do this yet.
2. Putting your bag on the seat next to you
Put it on the floor or in the luggage racks. You do not have the right to more than one seat and neither do you have permission to tut or appear inconvenienced when someone asks you to move it.
3. Expecting to get a seat because you are (a bit) old.
Just because I am younger and in theory more fit than you I should not have to get up for you. I was here first. Get over it.
4. Expecting to get a seat because you are fat.
There is a woman on my train who does this most mornings. She feigns gratitude when she's offered a seat and gets on my wick.
5. Doing your make-up
The train is not a bathroom or dressing room. You wouldn't get dressed on it so why do we have to watch you pulling 'mascara faces' before 8 o'clock? Get up earlier.
6. Not using headphones when listening to music
Nothing more to add.
7. Asking everyone in the carriage if this train goes to [enter name of station]
READ THE BOARD! We did, that's how we know where it's going. Alternatively listen to the announcements.
8. Pushing the 'door open' button frantically before the light has come on
The clue is in the light. When it's on the button can be depressed and the doors will happily open for you. Pushing it 20 times in some Morse Code writing fashion before this will do nothing and may induce RSI. Jeez, mice learn quicker than you.
9. Talking on your mobile
A classic but one that doesn't get any better with age. Be under no illusion that we want to hear about what so-and-so did with who last night. Unless we happen to know them in which case carry on.
10. 3G/Phone signals
It's 2011 for Christ's sake. Surely it must be possible to have a seamless connection now?!
