The Woman You Never Knew

Been thinking about writing a book for while. Highly cathartic and self-indulgent but interested in what people think so far. Worth carrying on??


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The Woman You Never Knew
By Jessica Ellis

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For my mother and my daughter who never got to meet.


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If there could be a good point in life to lose your mum then I think it happened to me. At twenty-one years old I had just graduated from university and not yet started my first full-time job. I was at a junction in my life. Mum dying at this point meant I had had her around all the time I was growing up but it also meant I would spend my whole adult life without her.

This is perhaps what we would have talked about over the last fourteen years if she had been here. I only wish I could have heard her side of the conversation.
 

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Chapter 1

So you’ve gone. Dad said he didn’t quite make it in time to see you. Hope you don’t mind that Nick and I chose not to go with him it’s just we didn’t want to remember you like that. Are you cross? Please don’t be cross.

You’re ok now though aren’t you? No more pain.

I think you knew I was there last night. Everyone had gone home and I gave you a kiss on your cheek. Your head moved just the tiniest bit and I think you were trying to let me know that you knew I was there. I think you might even have been saying goodbye. Were you? Difficult to tell.

When I eventually dragged myself away I asked the nurse if they would call us if there was any change in the night. She asked me why I wanted to know and if it meant that I thought it would happen that night. I suppose I did. Maybe we both did, eh?

Dad called to tell us you’d died. Hearing that phone ring was the weirdest thing. How can you be expecting something and yet still be so shocked when it happens?

I think he said just that; you’d ‘gone’. I thought I’d remember his exact words but I don’t. I think he’s angry that we don’t want to come up and see you but we just don’t feel that we need to. It doesn’t mean we don’t care, you know that, don’t you? I can’t imagine you’d want us to see you anyway. You couldn’t bear us seeing you at all lately from what we could work out but it hasn’t always been easy understanding you. The other day you seemed to want to get out of bed but didn’t really know what you wanted to do once you’d got up. We tried to help but didn’t know how. God, I hope we didn’t upset you. How you must have hated us seeing you like that. Sorry.

I called work and they were very sweet. Don’t think they really knew what to say. They’ve been so good letting me stay on since I graduated. I know it’s only a temping thing but at least it’s kept me going through University. You remember me graduating don’t you? It was so hot and you did so well just making it through the day. Thanks for coming even though it must have been really hard for you. I didn’t realise at the time it was the last major milestone in my life that you’d see. Strange too that the last photo I have of you is from that day.

I want to tell G too but t's not the sort of thing to do over the phone. He’s got an exam re-sit this morning anyway and I don’t want to put him off. I’ll tell him later. No point upsetting him. He’s not that good with stuff like this anyway. I’ll tell him later. I’m sure his mum will help. I’m not sure what you really thought of her but she’s been great Mum, really she has. I know Dad’s not keen. He still blames her for trying to make me jack in Sussex for Kingston but she was only trying to help, honestly. She was never, ever going to replace you.

I went round to his house around lunch time. They opened the door together and I think I just said you’d died and then the tears really came. Big, fat, sobbing tears. No-one had to say anything. I got some hugs and something to drink. Poor Nick. He hasn’t got this to fall back on.