The Woman You Never Knew – Chapter 2

16^th September. It's been 10 days since you died. Not your fault you died on a Friday but the fact that two weekends have passed between your death and your funeral hasn't gone down well in some quarters. I don't think Dad has dragged his heels on purpose.

I was in the dining room waiting for you to arrive but, much like that phone call from the hospital, it seems I wasn't quite prepared for it when it happened. Of course you know there's going to be a hearse with a box inside but when it pulls up outside your house and you realise it's not going past but stopping because it's got your mum inside then it's different. I almost wanted to open the lid and check you were actually in there. Is that weird?

The flowers looked nice. Autumnal colours as we'd planned to reflect the month of your death and the shade of your hair (dyed, I know but who's telling?). Oh, and some hops as a nod to your East Sussex upbringing. You would probably have thought it was all a waste of money, particularly the coffin. Don't worry, we didn't pick the most expensive one. We didn't pick the cheapest either, mind you. Couldn't quite go that far, not even for you.

As the man in black walked slowly in front of you a little way up the road I wondered how I should be feeling.

The cremation was ok, I think. We'd met a minister who none of us knew and who didn't know you but was happy to conduct an essentially non-Christian service. Dad couldn't quite handle zero religion so I think one hymn crept in but I hope you would have approved. We wore normal clothes as you'd asked and it was like some sort of family reunion. I even went up to one of my cousins and remarked how I hadn't seen them in ages. How ridiculously inappropriate! Some other cousins were in pieces but I suppose that's because they hadn't seen you for a while. That made it worse for them. It was easier for us. We had relief to fall back on. We were glad that your suffering was over. Happy, even, to see you at peace. They were left with good old fashioned grief. I can't say I didn't cry though. When I did, G's dad had to tell him to hug me. Told you he wasn't very good at this stuff.

Your 'Bun', played the organ. I don't think she really wanted to but Dad insisted. As your oldest friend it was important that she played a part and it was lovely. Family and old friends were there in the main. The music system chucked out Wind Beneath My Wings on the way in and You Were Always on my Mind (the Elvis version of course not the Pet Shop Boys) on the way out. Or was it the other way round? I can't remember. You were right, Elvis really was the King!

I say 'I think' the cremation was ok because I can't remember much about what was said or what happened. I do remember the bit where the curtains closed because I just wanted to jump up, run the those curtains, rip them apart and grab you to take you home. My brain couldn't quite believe that it wasn't some elaborate joke and that you weren't about to fling open the top of the coffin, sit up and shout, "Surprise! I'm not really dead!!"

I read a poem by the way. My knees were shaking but I read it. Without crying.

Where is the line?

Eight years ago my husband and I went on our first holiday together. We played it fairly safe and went to Cyprus. It was hot, straightforward and had the same plug sockets and traffic lights as the UK. Marvellous. We had a great time, visiting the beach or the hotel pool more or less on alternate days and embarrassing ourselves wildly in the evenings with some pretty average karaoke.

Almost every day we were at the hotel pool we would see a gorgeous little girl who we established was called Libby. I had liked this name anyway and because she was so delightful I think I pretty much made up my mind that Libby was at the top of my list of girl's names from that point. I asked where she lived and she said 'In a house' which was sensible enough I suppose. Further interrogation revealed the house being somewhere in 'Staffs' meaning she had a sweet little accent – 'Get your usbund in the poo-al' she would say and eventually we would relent. She wanted to play games involving throwing a ball – fine. She wanted to chat – fine. But when she started requesting to be picked up – not fine.

I am a pretty obedient person. I often do what I am told and I have a sharp internal barometer when it comes to things that just aren't done. I pride myself that I can gauge situations and enjoy a pretty high emotional intelligence so every mental and emotional alarm bell went off when this darling, innocent, friendly, charming girl wanted to simply be picked up high enough to catch the ball in 'piggy-in-the-middle'. She was in a swimming costume and so were we. Her parents as far as we assumed were sitting nearby on sun-loungers. What would they think if we put our hands on her? Would my husband in particular be risking a kicking if he obliged?

I dropped my daughter off at nursery as usual this morning and, as usual, I gave her a kiss goodbye. She wanted another one, so I kissed her again. Then one of her friends appeared and demanded a kiss too. I suddenly remembered Cyprus and the Libby in the pool. Should I kiss her or not? If so, just the cheek or are lips appropriate? Why do I have so many questions?? I then mentally asked myself how I would feel if one of the other mum's kissed my Libby. If I'm honest there would probably some sort of pang of discomfort. My 'inner Lioness' wanting to protect her cub. But from what? Affection? Should we be tactile and physically affectionate with other people's children or do we risk bringing up generations of emotionally stunted, paranoid individuals who struggle to form relationships if we don't?

I'm not sure I know where the line is but I always smile when, on having to sign those wretched accident forms every time my daughter has a bump at nursery, I read that her 'treatment' involved a cold compress and cuddles!

 

Jec

x

 

The Woman You Never Knew

Been thinking about writing a book for while. Highly cathartic and self-indulgent but interested in what people think so far. Worth carrying on??


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The Woman You Never Knew
By Jessica Ellis

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For my mother and my daughter who never got to meet.


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If there could be a good point in life to lose your mum then I think it happened to me. At twenty-one years old I had just graduated from university and not yet started my first full-time job. I was at a junction in my life. Mum dying at this point meant I had had her around all the time I was growing up but it also meant I would spend my whole adult life without her.

This is perhaps what we would have talked about over the last fourteen years if she had been here. I only wish I could have heard her side of the conversation.
 

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Chapter 1

So you’ve gone. Dad said he didn’t quite make it in time to see you. Hope you don’t mind that Nick and I chose not to go with him it’s just we didn’t want to remember you like that. Are you cross? Please don’t be cross.

You’re ok now though aren’t you? No more pain.

I think you knew I was there last night. Everyone had gone home and I gave you a kiss on your cheek. Your head moved just the tiniest bit and I think you were trying to let me know that you knew I was there. I think you might even have been saying goodbye. Were you? Difficult to tell.

When I eventually dragged myself away I asked the nurse if they would call us if there was any change in the night. She asked me why I wanted to know and if it meant that I thought it would happen that night. I suppose I did. Maybe we both did, eh?

Dad called to tell us you’d died. Hearing that phone ring was the weirdest thing. How can you be expecting something and yet still be so shocked when it happens?

I think he said just that; you’d ‘gone’. I thought I’d remember his exact words but I don’t. I think he’s angry that we don’t want to come up and see you but we just don’t feel that we need to. It doesn’t mean we don’t care, you know that, don’t you? I can’t imagine you’d want us to see you anyway. You couldn’t bear us seeing you at all lately from what we could work out but it hasn’t always been easy understanding you. The other day you seemed to want to get out of bed but didn’t really know what you wanted to do once you’d got up. We tried to help but didn’t know how. God, I hope we didn’t upset you. How you must have hated us seeing you like that. Sorry.

I called work and they were very sweet. Don’t think they really knew what to say. They’ve been so good letting me stay on since I graduated. I know it’s only a temping thing but at least it’s kept me going through University. You remember me graduating don’t you? It was so hot and you did so well just making it through the day. Thanks for coming even though it must have been really hard for you. I didn’t realise at the time it was the last major milestone in my life that you’d see. Strange too that the last photo I have of you is from that day.

I want to tell G too but t's not the sort of thing to do over the phone. He’s got an exam re-sit this morning anyway and I don’t want to put him off. I’ll tell him later. No point upsetting him. He’s not that good with stuff like this anyway. I’ll tell him later. I’m sure his mum will help. I’m not sure what you really thought of her but she’s been great Mum, really she has. I know Dad’s not keen. He still blames her for trying to make me jack in Sussex for Kingston but she was only trying to help, honestly. She was never, ever going to replace you.

I went round to his house around lunch time. They opened the door together and I think I just said you’d died and then the tears really came. Big, fat, sobbing tears. No-one had to say anything. I got some hugs and something to drink. Poor Nick. He hasn’t got this to fall back on.